A Lesson in Grief

Grief is like a finger print... It's unique to each person. Each of us have unique personalities, and our relationship to the deceased is unique. When a person dies it affects multiple people, but each of their relationships were different. It stands to reason that no two people will grieve the same way. This is important to remember. When you encounter a grieving person, please do not expect them to grieve in the same way you did. Here are a few tips for those of us who know someone grieving, and a few for those of us that are currently grieving a loss.

1. The first and foremost rule has already been mentioned. Do not expect that your loved one's grief will play out the same as yours... even if you are grieving over the same person. One may grieve for months and another for much, much longer. Unfortunately there is no formula.

2. Please don't avoid the grieving. Maybe you have not grieved over a deep loss and you are uncomfortable around those in mourning because you don't know what to say. A person may be grieving, but they can tell when they are being avoided. You don't have to say much. Just offer a hug and a smile and see where it goes from there.

3. What NOT to say...

"You need to be strong!" or "Snap out of it!" - You know, it is okay to be down. If we didn't love we wouldn't grieve. Being truthful about our grief is the first step to healing. Let us feel however we feel.

"They are in a better place." - We know that, but it doesn't help us hurt any less now.

"God needed another angel." - Really? So we could be lonely down here? I don't think so.

"You know, I haven't seen you cry. You just need a good cry!" - What you don't know is that we go home and cry all night long. Just because we are not crying in public doesn't mean we are not processing our grief!

"God never gives you more than you can handle." or worse yet, "it was God's will."

4. We know you are trying to help, but it's better just to stay quiet and listen to what the grieving person has to say. Saying the wrong thing can often cause more hurt than good. If you don't know what to say... just don't...

5. Things TO say to a grieving person... because there are no words... keep it simple.

"I’m so sorry to hear about your loss."

"I can’t imagine what you are going through. It must be unbearable."
"Sit down and tell me all about it."
"I don’t know what to say, but I’ll be glad to listen."
"How are you really feeling?"
"What can I do to help?"

6. Don't misuse scripture. Some of the most beautiful and reassuring verses can be misused. Always remember the context in which the verse was written. Romans 8:28 is often misquoted here. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That verse is for living believers in THIS life. This verse makes the grieving feel guilty for grieving, and it doesn't seem that our loved one's death is "good". This type of misuse just makes us feel conflicted.

Ok, so now for those who are grieving...

It's important to remember that if you do find yourself being "consoled" by one of these inconsiderate people from tip #3. Please extend grace and forgiveness. Most of the time they really want to help you. They feel compelled to say something; anything to help. They have probably not grieved as you have, or believe your grief should look like theirs. It is ignorance plain and simple. Holding on to bitterness of the things said to you will NOT help you move through your grief. In fact, it will hinder your progress. It is easier to forgive and let it just roll off.

Now, sometimes these rude people DID intend to hurt your feelings. In this case, you need to remember that they too must be hurting, and "hurting people tend to hurt people." We need to let go of bitterness and forgive them as well. If you find yourself in one of these uncomfortable situations, it is okay to let the person know that they have offended you. You may sternly, yet politely let them know why their statement has hurt you. If it was extremely hurtful, you may want to cool off for a bit before you confront them. If this person didn't mean to be insensitive they will probably be glad know so they do not say it to someone else. Let them know you have forgiven them.

When people ask how you are doing, be honest. Keep it short and honest. If you say, "Fine." People will take you at your word. Feel free to say, "Today is a good day," or "I've felt better, but I'm going to be okay."

Grieving is messy because life is messy. Here are the steps in the journey from mourning to joy. The steps are not always linear. Sometimes we may have a good day or two, then something will trigger us to take a step back (a song, a smell, etc.). The important thing to remember is to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.

Stage One: From Denial and Isolation to Candor: Honesty with Myself

Stage Two: From Anger and Resentment to Complaint/Lament: Honesty with God

Stage Three: From Bargaining and Works to Crying Out to God: Asking God for Help

Stage Four: From Depression and Alienation to Comfort: Receiving God’s Help

Stage Five: From Regrouping to Waiting: Trusting with Faith

Stage Six: From Deadening to Wailing: Groaning with Hope

Stage Seven: From Despairing and Doubting to Weaving: Perceiving with Grace

Stage Eight: From Digging Cisterns to Worshipping: Engaging with Love

Journaling helps to process your thoughts and feelings. It's also a nice tool for you to go back to, to check on your progress.

For more information, please check out www.griefshare.org

You can join a GriefShare group near you to learn more about the journey.

If you have more questions ask me. I'm always happy to listen and help. Check out my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/KarinMartinJohnson and message me!

In Him we Live, Breathe, and Serve!

Karin Johnson